Brian: Recollections of a Dog
by CuboonoP
Summary: "Stewie makes my life more interesting. There's no doubt about that. He's made some of the worst, & some of the best, times of my life." This is just many of the times that has happened, but all by Brian's perspective. (Discontinued)
1. Recollection 1: Abandonment Issues

"He's made my life more interesting. There's no doubt about that. He's made some of the worst, & some of the best, moments of my life."

"He's been around when I've been weak, & he's there to comfort me. For that I should really thank him more often."

"The experiences we've had together... I wouldn't trade them for the world."

"After all he was there when I got to face my abandonment issues, only to find out she had passed away."

"It was the first time we really got to bond with each other."

 _FLASHBACK_

"My mother lives in Austin. Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother & make peace with her."

"So instead of driving down this sun-parched highway, we've now got to walk."

"Uh pretty much, yeah."

"You know what this means."

"Yeah... Hop on."

"If we want to get there before sundown, you might want to go faster than that."

 _"Oh, God. I swear, he's not as light as he used to be. I think I'm getting a rash where he's sitting from the friction, but I did force the driver to stop eight miles away from our newly discovered destination. Either way, once I can make peace with my mother, this will all have been worth it."_

"I say, walk slower dog. My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon."

"You know, you could try walking. It's a good opportunity to work off all that baby fat."

"Why would I want to waste my energy when I could have a personal chauffeur down road kill highway."

...

"We loved Biscuit so much, we wanted to keep her with us always. So we had her stuffed!"

 _"Oh, dear God!"_

"Mom!"

"I say, someone must have said a funny, because your mother's in stitches! I'll leave you to grieve."

"You deserve better than this, Mom."

"This is actually a rather elegant solution to my problem of what to do with Lois."

" _Is that really necessary to say right now?"_

"Shut up & help me. I'm not leaving her here."

"Fine, but can you hold the head? I don't want death to be looking me in the eyes."

"Ok."

 _"I should really be thankful that he's helping me at all."_

...

"Say something."

"What?"

"Just say something, please!"

"Oh, for God's sake. Um uh yeah, & God said to Abraham,"You will kill your son, Isaac." & Abraham said,"I can't hear you. You'll have to speak into the microphone. & God said,"Oh, I'm sorry. Is this better? Check, check." "Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back."

 _"What is wrong with you? What, in any way, does this have to do about the great life of my mother?"_

"Say something about my mother!"

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry. Um uh, I never knew Biscuit as a dog, but I did know her as a table."

 _"Oh dear God. Of course he takes a turn for the worst. She doesn't deserve to go out hearing this!"_

"She was sturdy, all four legs the same length."

 _"I can't take this."_

"Thanks. That's enough."

"Yes, yes. Requiem & terra pax, & so forth."

 _"Thank you, Mom."_

"Now, we better hit the train station or we'll never make it home."

...

"Finally, we're here."

"Yes, & not a moment too soon. The train's right there."

"Oh no, it's about to not be. Let's hurry!"

"Good, now we're certain to make it home."

"Wow, look at all those stars."

"You know, I've read that starlight gives you cancer. But, then again, what doesn't these days, hmm?"

 _"He's done a lot for me today. It's time I thank him."_

"Listen, kid, there's been something I've been meaning to tell you. It's not easy for me to say."

"Oh, God, you're not coming out of the closet, are you? Oh, God, why does everyone always come out to me?"

 _"Of course it's not that. It's more of a friend-to-friend kind of thing."_

"I, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did today. I know this whole trip has been a mess."

"Well, it hasn't been all bad. I must admit there have been some moments that were, dare I say, fun."

...

"Did you have a nice trip with Brian?"

"Oh, yes, smooth sailing through calm seas."

 _"Thank the nonexistent God."_

"Hey, uh, kid, listen, uh, thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do to pay you back?"

 _"Please say no. Please say no."_

"Oh, yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life, & Greg became his slave?"

"Yup."

"It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. & put a nice label on it."

 _"Phew, I thought I'd have to be the slave to an infant, but that's really not much to ask for after all that he had done for me. Maybe, he's not all that bad a kid."_


	2. Recollection 2: Conjoined Species

_"I suppose that was the first major, or any, bonding experience we had together, but the second time we were forced to be together wasn't as perfect as the first."_

 _..._

"Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?"

 _"She needs a break every once in a while. Of course I'll do this for her."_

"Sure."

"& please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time."

 _"I know, I know, don't remind me. Don't worry, there's no way that'll happen again."_

...

"Ah, yes there you are. Oh, you people at the industrial adhesives corporation certainly know how to make a tasty glue. Well then, let the banquet begin."

 _"Oh, god, Stewie you idiot!"_

"Oh, woah, what the hell are you doing? Don't eat that!"

"Oh for God's sake, don't be such a nerd."

 _"A nerd? Right, so I'm a nerd because I don't want to get in trouble with Lois because the baby ate glue while I wasn't looking."_

"Look, I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. If Lois sees this she'll kill me."

 _"I'd like it if he let go of my hand."_

"You can let go of my hand now."

 _"Well I'm not the one holding on to your hand."_

"You can let go of mine."

 _"No way, that glue's stuck to our hands, & it's binding us together. Okay, okay, calm down. On the count of three, pull as hard as you can, & it looks like he's thinking the same thing. One, two, three!"_

 _"We're still stuck! Let's just see what that container says. Hmm, Never comes unstuck!"_

"Oh..."

"Crap."

 _"If Lois finds out, I'll be dead."_

"Ok, we can't let Lois find out."

"Right... So how do we make her not notice?"

"Looks like we're fine for now, she's over there talking to an old friend."

"Then lets look into an antidote before one of us has to use the bathroom."

 _"Good idea."_

...

"Ok, thanks."

 _"Good, so acquiring an antidote won't be as hard as I thought, but in two weeks..."_

"Well?"

"Well, the good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us unstuck. The bad news is it takes two weeks for delivery."

"You're telling me we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?"

 _"If that means two weeks, then yes, but how will we keep this from Lois for two weeks?"_

"You can not tell Lois about this."

"Oh, & what if I do."

 _"Don't worry yourself, I've already planned for that."_

"I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress."

"You said there was no film in that camera!"

 _"There was film in that camera, I just thought it'd be a good opportunity for something to hold you against. Oh, crap, there's Lois! Just act natural!"_

"Come on, Stewie, it's time to change your diaper."

 _"I can't leave his side, I literally can't. I'm just gonna have to watch very closely."_

"Uh, mind if I watch?

"Ok, but that's a little creepy."

"Um... I just want to spend more time with the newest member of the family."

...

"& I'm just ashamed of myself, Brian, that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindlin' old friendship just because it was with a man."

 _"This is so awkward. I've never seen Stewie in the buff before. Oh, well, just focus on what Lois is saying & you'll be alright."_

"Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding when it comes to you & other men, like that time at the movies."

 _"That was embarrassing, but, that was also Peter."_

"& when you went to that concert."

 _"That was also embarrassing, but, I'd still expect that from Peter."_

"& then there was last Saturday night."

 _That one I can't blame on him as much. I sometimes mistake seeing myself in the mirror as another dog."_

"I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life. I'm gonna call Ross & see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up?"

 _"Gross, but still, she has enough work to do."_

"Uh, Sure."

"Yes, yes, do you like cleaning my doody Brian? Say it, say it, say, I like cleaning your doody Stewie. Hah! Don't forget the taint."

 _"I think I might just vomit. I'll have to power through it. FOR LOIS!"_

"You know, this would be easier for the both of us if you'd shut up."

"Oh, I'm sorry that Lois left you in charge of cleaning up my discharge."

 _"Of course."_

...

 _"Ah, morning, time to clean myself. Oh, the baby's waking up again, I want to see his reaction to this."_

"Ugh! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

 _"Come on, I know you're just one, but you're amount of knowledge greatly surpasses that. You should know exactly what I'm doing."_

"I'm cleaning myself."

"You were clean 15 minutes ago, now you're just on vacation."

"So, what? I can't just clean myself as a dog?"

"No, no, I'm saying that you already finished up with the "cleaning" aspect of that, & now you're just going into overtime."

 _"You're smart, just find a way to ignore it."_

"Just, look away."

"Fine, but I better not see you going to town on yourself the next time I wake up."

...

 _"Just what I need, a cop to see a dog holding hands with an infant while driving. That's sure to make his day."_

"Oh, crap. Alright, let me handle this."

"You were going 65 fella. That's ten miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand?"

 _"Called it."_

" Oh we met on the Internet."

 _"Not helping."_

"Shut up."

"Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises with candy & funny stories."

 _"I hope he's one of the people who can't understand the talking baby. If he does, I seriously will look like a pedophile in court."_

"Officer, you ever hear of that super industrial adhesive?"

"Actually, yes we have."

 _"Oh, God, I didn't even notice the other guy glued to his back! Either way, looks like he'll understand."_

"Sorry for bothering you."

"You better keep your mouth shut."

"Oh, yes, God forbid another cop pulls you over only to discover he isn't alone in the super industrial adhesive world."

...

 _"We had to take a shower eventually, no matter how wrong it felt."_

"Oh, get my back, would you? Oh, that's it. Ooh, that feels good."

"This is already hard enough for me. Can you stop turning this into more than a shower?"

"I'm sorry, it just... it feels really good."

"Let's just... let's just get this over with."

...

"I need to get my laps for the week."

"Oh, come on, couldn't you skip this week & the next?"

 _"There's no way, it's one of the only things I do to stay active."_

"Nope."

"How am I supposed to breathe?"

"Just take a breath when I lift my hand above the water."

"On your mark, get set, go!"

"Gasp!... Gasp!... Gasp!... Gasp!... Gasp!..."

 _"Just a little farther... &... Done."_

"Oh, God blast it would you hold it for five seconds? Gasp... Gasp... Gasp... Gasp... Okay."

 _" &, back to the other side."_

"Gasp!... Gasp!... Gasp!... Gasp!... Gasp!... God, it feels like we've been doing this for ages! How many laps have we done?"

"One."

"Blast!"

...

"The antidote should be here any minute now."

 _"Wait, there's a mosquito on my martini."_

"Aah! What the hell is wrong with you?"

 _"Sorry, I just forgot that there was a baby attached to my hand. There's the mail truck..."_

"Hey there's the mail! Oh, finally. Once we get this on, our hands will be free."

"Good, I'm tired of waking up in a bath of saliva."

 _"Yeah, yeah, nobody cares."_

"Alright, it says it takes an hour for the solvent to take effect."

"Well, let's see, what takes an hour."

 _"A lot of things... Just pick one."_

"We could watch Rita Rudner do five minutes of stand-up."

 _"I don't usually do things that are a waste of time."_

"Ba-zing."

"Or we could just go for a walk."

"Fine with me."

...

 _"Why are those people looking in that well?"_

"Hey, what's going on?"

"There's a little girl down in that well."

"Oh my God!"

"Unfortunately, nobody's arms are long enough to reach her, except that one guy, but he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree."

 _"That's unfortunate, but... We can save her."_

"Oh, God, you want to rescue her, don't you? Ugh, it's times like this I wish they'd use me for stem cell research."

"Help me!"

"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again. Ha!"

 _"Okay..."_

"Alright, I'm gonna lower you in."

"I just noticed, how often do you see a 17th-century well in this day & age?"

 _"That doesn't matter. We need to hurry, if we don't hurry, we'll have to little people stuck in a well."_

"Hurry up! The glue's wearing off!"

"All right, all right!"

 _"Come on! Almost there... Got her!... & we're unstuck!_

"We did it!"

"Job well done!"

"& we're not stuck together anymore!"

"Thank God!"

"You said it!"

 _"Now... it just doesn't feel right."_

"Do you want to hold hands on the walk home?"

"Yeah, sure."

 _"That feels... right. Like our hands were meant to fit together. He may put up a tough front, but he's a good person at heart."_


	3. Recollection 3: Reality Confrontation

_"That was the day I felt like we were meant to be friends. A duo destined to have many adventures together."_

 _"But when he needed somebody to help him come to terms with reality, I decided this would be a good opportunity to return the favor he had done for me, but he didn't know it then that it would be a trip to help him grow up a little. Before our trip to Europe..."_

...

"I say, it's four o'clock! Away with you!"

 _"That means time for Jolly Farm Revue. Waste of my time."_

"Stewie!"

"Change it back!"

"Forget it, Jolly Farm Revue is on. It's the latest indoctrinating pablum for children with not enough to do."

"Hey... Shut up!"

 _"Of course to me, something like this isn't worth watching, but to kids like Stewie, they could spend hours listening to the crap that comes pouring out of their mouths."_

(TV)

"Wakey wakey, children!"

"Good morning, Mother Maggie."

"The sun has risen on another day in Jolly Farm. Let's see what life's rich pageant has in store for us."

(End TV)

"Oh, she has the voice of an angel! Not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from."

(TV)

"Play your song, Melody Sheep, to aid the little ones' nourishment, but play softly, for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud from his magic tome that holds every book ever written."

"These were difficult times for the children of Ipswich when the lolly pop famine cursed their pleasant village."

(End TV)

"How can you stand watching this? It's dreck & you know it."

 _"Why aren't you responding? Are you too scared to accept it?"_

"Oh, don't have the guts to respond, huh? No intelligent defense of this unmitigated crap?"

"Commercial!"

"Ow!"

"I'm gonna get some graham crackers."

 _"You little piece of crap! But... I guess I provoked it."_

...

(TV)

"Tell Mother Maggie what you want to be when you grow up."

"A scientist."

"A novelist."

"A Cambridge don."

(End TV)

"Ugh, what's my future, coming from these squalid surroundings? Getting into a fight with a dude at the laundromat because he hit on my baby's mama? I should be there, not here!"

(TV)

"Filmed at BBC London."

(End TV)

"London."

...

"You don't mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you Brian?"

"Nah, ever since Jolly Farm Revue came on, he's been pretty distracted. It'll be a breeze."

"Well, bye, everyone."

"I cannot believe my stupid parents are going to spend five days following stupid ol' KISS around. It's painful."

"Not as painful as a tyre iron upside your head."

"What?"

"I'll miss you!"

"Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch?"

 _"Huh? He left a note on the TV."_

(Note on TV)

"Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Goodbye forever. Stewie."

"PS, I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. The receipt's on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss, they'll give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to, & then I'll... Actually, could it have been from the sweater? Did it have buttons? Hm. I should rap this up before I start to ramble. Ok, goodbye forever.

"PPS, You know, it might be a little chilly in London. I'm going to take the sweater."

 _"Lois will kill me!"_

"Oh, my God!"

 _"He's probably already at the airport. I need to get there quickly!"_

...

(End Note on TV)

"One of these planes must be going to London."

"Cue up, children, spit spot. Here are the tickets, miss. These are all ours."

"Spit spot, Albert Hall, meat & two veg, Big Ben, Dave Clark Five, pip-pip cheerio."

 _"Oh, God, that bus ride couldn't have taken longer. Which gate did Stewie go into? There he is, but he's already getting into the plane. I have to go through the cargo bay! Ah, there he is!"_

"Hot towel?"

"Yes, thank you... Well, come on!"

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm taking you off this plane."

"Ugh, think again, Rover."

 _"The plane's taking off! I'm stuck."_

"Great, I'm stuck on a transatlantic flight with a petulant runaway. How could this get any worse?"

"Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it? Did you sleep at all?"

"Yeah, a little."

"Ugh, I couldn't sleep a wink. My pillow smelled like farts, but that's alright, because we're in England!"

"Uh-oh."

 _"Sand, sand, & more sand. He must have gotten on the wrong flight. This is the Middle East."_

"Well I don't get it. Where are England's verdant fields, rosy-rumped maidens, & bucktoothed solicitors?"

 _"None of those are in the Middle East."_

"About three-thousand miles that way. We're in the Middle East."

"Where are we going?"

 _"How should I know?"_

"I don't know. I'm not exactly familiar with this particular Arabian village."

"Stuff for sale! Bad, cheaply-made, stuff for sale!"

 _"No thanks."_

"Eh, Americans, you like movies? We've got, "Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It, but Praise Allah We Are Not Hurt."

 _"Sounds shitty."_

"Camels for sale! This one owned by a little old man who only drove it to mosque on Sundays. Just had its knees replaced."

 _"Well, it seems like our best option by now."_

"Great, buy one & let's get out of here."

 _"In case you don't remember, they have different currency here. I can't just buy one with fifty American dollars."_

"What do you mean buy one? All I've got is fifty bucks. We're gonna have to distract them. Follow my lead."

(Music Sequence: You & I Are So Awfully Different)

 _"Good, we escaped with a camel."_

...

 _"The sun's going down, & it's getting cold. The fire is barely enough to keep us warm."_

"Oh man, we're screwed. We're lost in the desert. We have no food, no water, & our camel is dead from exhaustion."

"& I had named him & given him a backstory! Chucky had the biggest hump of all the camels in his village, & was picked on for it, but then, there was a terrible drought, & Chucky went to the oasis at great risk cause' he was like that. & he drank & drank & stored enough water in his massive hump to slake the thirst of the entire..."

 _"I swear, you wasted too much time thinking of a backstory for the animal of our transportation."_

"Cut the maudlin crap! We're in trouble here. It's already below freezing & it's getting colder. We're gonna die unless... unless we do something drastic."

"What?"

 _"He's not gonna like this..."_

"We have to slice open our camel's stomach & shelter ourselves in its entrails."

"Eviscerate Chucky? I won't do it!"

 _"We have to!"_

"Look, we're gonna die if we don't!"

"Hah, alright."

 _"Let me get the dagger... This will be gross."_

 _"Oh God, it's like Orson Welles's autopsy!"_

"Alright just hold your breath & go... What are you doing?"

"Wiping my feet. I don't want to track sand inside. Once you get it in there, you can't get it out."

 _"I'm sorry, I just forgot how important it was to not track sand inside of our camel."_

"Oh God, I just threw up in his lung!"

"Look, I know it's gross, but when you're desperate & you're staring death you have no choice but to... Oh, there's a Comfort Inn."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Good luck for us, huh?"

"You know, actually, once you feng-shui the organs, it's kind of cosy."

 _"Luckily, we don't have to worry about that anymore."_

"Come on, let's go there instead."

"Oh, I swear, It's going to take forever to wash this away."

...

"How in the hell are we going to get out of here?"

"Are you going to finish your red paste?"

 _"That stuff's nasty. There's no way I'm eating that."_

"No."

"What about your sweet, crusty thing?"

 _"Those... aren't as bad, but I'm just full."_

"No, you can have it."

"No more balloon for you! I am sick of you tooling around the village in it, honking at the girls, blasting your 1980s American rock music that we got here last week!"

"But, father!"

"Go to your palace!"

 _"Perfect opportunity to balloon our way to London."_

"You know what I'm thinking?"

"Oh, yes! Just wait until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones! Pee-yew!"

 _"Why would that be your first priority considering the situation we're in?"_

"Not that, the balloon!"

"Oh, yes, the balloon. Let's take it."

...

 _"Wow, the world does look completely different from up here."_

"Wow, I didn't know it really looked like that."

"Huh, Neither did I... Such lovely printing too."

 _"Just... Quiet moments like this are why I actually like spending time with him. When you can be with somebody, but not have to talk with them, you know that you're good friends. I do feel bad that he'll have to find out the truth about Jolly Farm, you know? Oh well, he has to confront reality at some point. Better to do it now than when he's twelve."_

...

 _"Looks like we're now in Rome."_

"I say, where the hell are we?"

"Alright, all we gotta do it find the American Embassy & they'll help us get home."

"Home? I have no intention of returning to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable women, that fat slob, & that insufferable dog. Oh, you're right here, aren't you? I stand by it."

 _"Hah."_

"My future is with Jolly Farm!

 _"I feel bad that this world he thinks that is there, is not, & he'll learn that pretty soon."_

"You really think that, don't you?"

"I know it!"

"Okay, we've got three days until Peter & Lois get back from their KISS concerts. Let's go to Jolly Farm!"

"Yeah! Now you're talking!"

 _"Best thing to do is just play along with it until the world breaks it to him."_

"You make a the pope look like a fool! God will make you pay. Smite them... He's a cooking something up."

 _"I bet."_

"Let's get on a train, it'll be easy now we're where there are trains."

...

 _"Now, if I'm correct, the building should be right..."_

"There it is! The BBC!

 _"Oh, you poor, innocent, fool."_

...

"I'll say goodbye to you now."

"Well, have a good life, Stewie."

"Oh, I shall! Hey, did you ever find out what that button on my bureau was from?"

 _"Well, after chewing on it for an hour, I actually did find where it went."_

"Oh, yeah. Chris's denim jacket."

"Ah. I like that jacket. It looks good on him. Ok, we'll keep in touch?"

"Sure."

 _"I can only imagine what it feels like to be thrown into reality like he is about to be."_

"Well, I have your address. See ya! Oh, there's Happy Mill! What the deuce? Pengrove! Pengrove Pig! Pengrove, I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh, my! The magic tome! It's cardboard! There are no words, there are just… What is it you've drawn here?"

"Oh! It's Oswald Owl slammin' Mother Maggie in a Chinese basket, eh? Dead brill, eh?"

"Oh, Mother Maggie thank God! Something's terribly wrong!"

"Whose stinky brat is this?"

"Wha, that's not your voice! Your voice is lyrical like the gentle strum of a lute!"

"Piss off, ya grotty little wanker!"

"It's a fake... It's not real."

"I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid."

"I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!"

 _"I feel so bad for him. The world that he knows has come crashing down on him. I need to make it up for him."_

"Hey, come on. You wanna get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right? You wanna get some McDonald's? You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? Ok, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes."

 _"Although I know this has been a hard introduction to the real world to him, I am certain it was all for the better."_

...

"Jolly Farm is on, Stewie! Don't you wanna watch?"

"Oh, the Stewie who loved Jolly Farm is dead, Megan. Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats! Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do."

 _"A major step forward in his life has been made, & I'm ecstatic that I was the one to help him take it."_


	4. Recollection 4: Life's Value

_"I was glad to be there to help him see the differences in expectations & reality, but he soon did the same for me in my time of need."_

 _"He was right next to me when I learned the value of life..."_

...

"See you, Lois. And like I tell you every day, if I come back in the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both."

"Huh, Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID."

"Oh, God. Did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy."

 _"Dammit, Peter, why don't you check your rearview mirror before backing out of the driveway?"_

 _…_

"Here we are, Brian, safe and sound."

 _"Ugh, this thing smells like Joe, & I'm pretty sure the cone is giving my neck a rash."_

"Peter, I don't need to be in a wheelchair."

"No arguments. I already went through the trouble of borrowing this ramp from Joe."

 _"Well, I'm sure he'll have trouble getting out of the house, then."_

 _..._

"What's wrong, Brian? You've just been sitting on the couch ever since you got back. You need to get out of the house."

 _"How am I supposed to do anything when it could be the death of me?"_

"I don't know. I'm a little depressed. The accident got me thinking about life and how suddenly it can be taken away."

"You're gonna feel back to normal in no time. Here, have some food."

 _"No, thanks, I'm not hungry."_

"I'm not hungry."

"Here comes the gravy."

 _"Dammit, Peter! I'll suffocate in this!"_

"You messy beast."

"I think I'll just lay here & take a nap for now, even though I have a cone on my head filled with food pellets & water. It's still safer than doing something dangerous."

…

"Hey, buddy. You're not looking so good."

"Who cares how I look? Nothing matters. We could all die tomorrow, every one of us."

"Isn't that a damn good reason to live it up today?"

 _"Yeah, we all wish it was that easy."_

"Come on. It can't be that simple."

"Excuse me. I got a thing to do."

"All right, we have a very special guest tonight. Please welcome the member of the board, Frank Sinatra Jr.

 _"So that's who I was talking to?_

Love is lovelier the second time around

Just as wonderful with both feet on the ground

 _"Wow, he's right! I need to get over this funk. I'm going to go up there & sing with him."_

 _Who can say what brought us to this miracle we found?_

 _There are those who bet_

 _Love comes but once, and yet_

 _I'm oh, so glad we met the second time around._

 _"Being up here & singing with him is how I want to spend my life right now. This is the life for me."_

 _…_

"Wow, you actually got to sing with Frank Sinatra Jr?"

 _"That night was an eye opener for sure."_

"It was amazing. I got to tell you, he said some things that were exactly what I needed to hear and I was just inspired to get up on that stage. Gotta live life for today, you know."

"Brian, don't you think it's a little too early to be hitting the booze?"

 _"But what if I'm not around to do it later?"_

"Why wait? You gotta live life while you can and live it hard."

"The Chris Farley method? Good."

 _"I guess so."_

"Frank invited me back tonight."

…

 _"It's good to be back. The show starts in just a few minutes, but what am I supposed to do with Stewie during the show? Lois picked a bad day to make me babysit him."_

"You now, Brian, when you wear that suit, it looks like you're taking a white poop. But it stuck."

 _"Well, can't argue with that."_

"Look, Lois asked me to baby-sit you, so stay here and be quiet. I'll be back after my first set."

 _"One drink for good luck, &… Here goes nothing."_

 _…_

I don't care if the sun don't shine

I do my drinking in the evening time

When I'm in Rhode Island

"Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!"

 _"Stewie? You're supposed to be in your seat!"_

"Get out of here!"

You can't sit in the sun and camp

But I get my color from a sun ray lamp

When I'm...

In Rhode Island

 _"Stop interrupting us!"_

"Whoa, easy, kid. These people paid good money to get in here."

"Oh, yeah? How much are you charging them to get out?"

 _"Gotta admit, he's good at this. Also, I'd love to be able to spend more time with him."_

We go together, there's no mistake

Like a bowl of chowder and a big clam cake

And we love Rhode Island.

"That was sensational."

 _"It sure was. Things just seem to be better now that I'm not overly cautious about everything anymore, & it's even better that I get to live the good life with Frank Sinatra Jr. &, especially, Stewie."_

 _…_

"Brian! There you are. Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was meant to be in bed two hours ago!"

 _"Umm… Let's see, umm… He was next to me not so long ago."_

"Oh, yeah. He's... He was right here, right next to me, like, four hours ago."

"What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him! My little sweetie!"

 _"Okay, so he's right here now. So… I'm good."_

"Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's when you bought a bag of hamburgers. It's funny. I tried to walk home. A lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour. Here's where the story gets fun. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. When you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup."

 _"I shouldn't have to take care of somebody else's child when I have a life to live."_

"Brian, this is inexcusable. What if something had happened to Stewie?"

"My ear's in a cup. I guess that doesn't count."

"Look, I'm not his baby-sitter. I have my own life."

"This is cos you've been with that Frank Sinatra Jr. I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind. You're gonna stop singing at that club. Operator, Mia Farrow."

 _"Oh, no you don't!"_

"You stay out of my life!"

"What the hell is happening to you?"

"Don't worry. I don't need to go to the hospital. I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece."

"I can't be stuck here doing your dirty work when I could be out there doing amazing things that might not be around tomorrow!"

…

"Where the hell is Brian?"

"I don't know, but I'd better go find him."

…

"Brian! Brian! Brian! Oh, God. A gutter? How cliché."

 _"Oh, he found me. It doesn't matter anyway."_

"I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it."

"Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've got to accept that there are some things in life that you just can't control. Your problem is you think that if you're not in control, nothing matters. That you don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. You matter big time."

"Thanks, Stewie."

…

 _How I love a girl who's flawless_

 _Even better when she's braless_

 _But the thing that tops it all is when we swing_

 _How I love a glass of Jack_

 _Or anything with Robert Stack_

 _But the gals we romance_

 _Can't stay out of our pants_

 _When we swing_

 _Yesterday had got me feeling kind of blue..._

 _So you left and we replaced you with a Jew_

 _"Lady!"_

 _"You're fired."_

 _"Oy!"_

 _We love it when_

 _The ladies squeeze us_

 _That's an easy way to please us_

 _But we feel like freaking Jesus when we swing_

 _I love the work of Allen Funt_

 _Or a nicely shaven leg_

 _But nothing compares to the feeling that we get_

 _No, nothing compares to the feeling we get_

 _When we swing._

 _"Wow, the sheer fact that he helped me see through this says that he does care. A lot. That's something I could never repay him for."_


End file.
